give me symphonies.

my soul is fifty years old. my heart is heavy. and its wanting and its thirsty. i am homesick for a place i can't even call my home yet. i miss my best friend, any and all of them in a sense. i'm out, and i'm alone. i can not collect my thoughts, which i was so honestly prepared to give. i can't collect them because they are lost in the salt water of my brain. my brain is just a fish bowl. idk. i am getting seasick. sitting here and typing on this makes me remember everything. good. bad. everything. it makes the memories so clear that i almost want to stop. "how can typing do such a thing to you?". but it does. it does it to me and i allow it to be done.

i want to liberate someone. it almost feels like a need. maybe by freeing someone else, i will be able to free myself. i am held captive. i purposely do things that i know are bad for myself. and i'm not talking about eating too much junk food or anything of the extreme. i just mean, i make decisions that i know will end up causing me pain in the end. things that hurt my heart or that bring me down. i don't know why. i have a theory to this though. i cause myself pain, to remind myself that i'm still alive. not alive in the sense of dead. but that i am still here. i am alive, and i am real. and the pain is alive and it is real too, and i have to learn a way to deal with it. not just me, everyone. that theory applys to mankind.

i don't see how i am related to anyone in this day and age.

i have found a group of friend boys that i adore being around because it's easy and i don't get judged on anything (wellll). i could be with them everyday of my life and i honestly don't think i would get bored. not even for a second.

i am on a mission to achieve peace in my heart and in my life. my eyes have been hazy for a long, long time. to reach my goal i really, really, really need to let go of so many things that i have been holding onto for so long. i feel as though i am so ready to let go of these things, but at the same time i am terrified to do so. but i am always working on it. i think i am making progress. its a day by day thing.

i am breathing. i am thinking. i am living. in terms of music.