the road to self-discovery.

i'm learning about myself. i'm finding out who i can lean on and who won't catch me. i'm thinking and i'm feeling. i hope i can work on myself, perfect myself, dress myself, take care of myself, be myself, face myself, whatever. school is in a week and i am going to die. i'm already stressed and its about to get twenty times worse. lately i've found that i don't know what to say -thats odd for me. last thursday i came home to a Wonderful surprise. i walked in my room to find Eli sitting on my floor coloring. so then after a nice hug i took a shower. and we sat in the green chair and watched a movie. i never wanted to get up, ever again. then i went about my dang business to kansas city. i have tons i need to get off my chest. and i let a little out last night to a very unfortunate friend ;i hope he didn't mind. if i'm honest with myself, i feel the future. if i'm honest with myself, i know what i want and what i can get. so here it goes: i don't want to go to school. _but i know that not going is not an option. i don't want to play soccer anymore. _i'm not allowed to quit so i better freaking suck it up. i think i know who i want to spend the rest of everyday with. _they know who they are, and i think they feel the same. i need more passion. _self explanatory. and that is all i've got so far. recently i was told that "you don't want myself to be happy." and "you act like he is the only thing when you have her and everyone else in yr life" and "yr acting like it sucks when it doesn't". that completely set me off. i can't tell if i'm dying to live another day, or simply living to die.